User Profile

I was born in 1974 and within 10 year my mother divorced my father leaving my brother and I to vist my father on summers and vacations. The abuse began gradually and by the time I was 12 my father raped me. He then kidnapped me forcing me to call my mother and tell her I wanted to stay. I feared for my life and that of my family. He often threatened my life and he life of my mother. My brither was his "Golden Child" who could do no wring. In the mean time My stepmother and I were simply good for nothing hoars who were repeated beaten while I was repeatedly raped. Following the kidnapping, he received supervised visitation, which provided no safety, as his parents left me alone with him, only to continue my terror. By the time I was 13 his visitation was revoked due to his heavy alcohol abuse. I never said a word about the continuous rapes. As I grew up I became determined to do whatever it took to not be a "good for nothing slut" I became determined to be the r1st person in my family to graduate from college and I am currently working on my PhD. I have a solid stable life, working as a teacher in an alternative education program where I can help children who have experienced abuse within their lives, modeling how they can overcome. I have a loving husband, who does not pressure me, understands my emotions and has become my rock. I have 4 year old twins who have become the light of my life. However, it is their birth which has caused be inner turmoil. I look at my love for them and I cannot comprehend how a parent could hurt such innocence. I have become extremely overprotective and I have placed their safety above all things. Perhaps my fear is too much, but I could never survive if they had to live through what I had to. Within the past few weeks, I have opened up to my mother and told her what happened. She said, Why didn't you say something? We could have ended it." She doen't get it. I have told my brother, but he knew and will not discuss it. My psychiatrist has helped me every step of the way, and I have been able to tell a friend of the abuse. This is strange because I'm not sure I have ever allowed anyone to be my friend other than my husband. Currently I feel alone, and although there are many survivors out there, I have yet to meet one. I have been through a great deal of therapy and it helps but doesn't remove the deep pain, I can ot escape from.